I have been trying to find the words to write this blog the past few weeks, has not been an easy task to say the least.
We started our 6th round of IUI with hope and confidence that the Lord was walking us down the path He had for us, and that this was the time for us. The cycle went pretty smoothly, considering I was doing my externship, and trying to stay calm and focused and not stressed out. We had a couple good sized follicles, and had all the positive thoughts that it was going to work.
After the long 2 week wait I went in for my blood draw (I have not brought myself to be able to "cheat" and take a home preg test since our first round of IUI) The nurse called me that afternoon and said "Congratulations!!" I was so happy!! I then ask the next hard question that comes after that statement "what is my number?" She said 31......I instinctively knew from the past that this was not the number we wanted, and what this number could possibly mean, so my balloon was deflating a little bit of all the excitement. I was trying to stay positive, and praying that in 2 days that number would double and keep doubling, and we would be just fine. Two days later I go in and my number only went to 32, I was heartbroken, hurt, confused, and the tiniest bit angry. I don't like the feeling of anger, and was immediately feeling guilty about being angry, and most of all I was really beating myself up over who all those feelings were toward....God.
Everyone says it is ok to be angry with God, or upset with Him. I surly did NOT like the feeling, and was in prayer repenting for my feelings, and at the same time asking for guidance, and understanding. Thankfully this anger feeling was short lived, but I was still confused, and hurt, we truly felt that God had been leading us down this path, and this was all His will.....why would He lead us down a path to pain? What was He trying to teach us or show us thru this?
I went back 2 days later for another blood draw...the number came back as 78??? Wait.....it more than doubled from 2 days prior? I was in a state of shock....and will admit I was starting to get my hopes us a little. The nurse said that they wanted to see me that Monday morning for another blood test and a sono, we knew we would not see anything in the sono since I would have only been about 5 weeks and my beta number needed to be around 1500 to even see a yoke sack. So we went in, and Dr. K said my lining looked thick and he took this as a good sign, and he did not see anything in my tubes, another good sign. Then we waited for my blood work to come back, by the next morning when the office still had not called me I was getting irritated, and after a few phone calls to the office I finally got my results....it had shot up from 78 to 481!!!!!! You have got to be kidding me!!! I was in an even more state of shock with this news!! They said they wanted to see me back on Friday for another sono and blood work. The rest of that week I was on cloud 9!
We went in that Friday....we should be able to see something at this point, but sadly we saw nothing, no changes in my uterus, not the speck of something growing....so we waited for my blood work to come back....it had only gone up to 680 or so (I don't remember the last few numbers because I was in total disarray)
My heart fell to the floor, I kept asking God, why? Why does this have to happen again? What did I do, or not do? Why is it so easy for some, and so hard for others? Just not understanding why, and honestly, I still do not understand why. They wanted to give me the methotrexate injections again that same day, but I could not bring myself to make that decision, and neither could David, I asked if we could give it over the weekend and come in first thing Monday morning for a triple check with another sono and go from there (this was also the same day we flew out for our Hawaii vacation)
Monday came, we had our bags packed and in the car, went up to the office, the sono showed no changes, and we had done another blood draw Sunday at a different lab and it only showed us that it went up by another 200- so we knew that this pregnancy would not be a successful one, and it was another ectopic. I was given the methotrexate injections, then flew off to Hawaii for a week. This was perfect timing, I was able to push everything from my mind the week we were there. (I will do a post later about our trip)
Now we are monitoring my levels, and making sure they go all the way back down, we are still healing from this last blow, really asking God to show us what He wants us to learn from this, or what He is trying to show us thru this. We have decided to take about 6 months or so off from all fertility treatments, we need a break after 6 rounds of treatments, 3 ectopic pregnancies and one miscarriage while we have been in treatments in the past year and a half is a little much. Not to mention the one miscarriage I had back in '09, been a little stressful on my body and our emotions.
We have also made the decision that we will not be doing anymore rounds of IUI, we will be going down the IVF route or down the adoption route. We are not sure right now what way to go, and are going to keep praying about it, and letting the Lord lead us down the path He has for us.
Please pray for guidence and comfort and peace be over David and I as we continue to heal over this loss.
I may not be able to give our parents here on earth a grandchild to play with, but I have given David's mom Judy 5 grand-babies to hold and love, and they get to play at the merciful feet of our amazing Savior until we join them in Heaven.
God Bless
Randi
If you want to make God laugh....Tell him your plan!
